Oh nbd ITS JUST MY NEW BUSINESS CARDS! 😅 @nicholepanikearle crushed it and made me the most beautiful business cards. I’m in love with them. I’ll be scattering these bad boys all over Mystic, so keep a look out. Even if you don’t need therapy, it’s just pretty art
Today I was finally discharged from my third round of CBT 😌
I feel so relieved to be feeling like me again. Each time I relapse I think I will feel that bad forever, but each time I come back stronger and more mentally healthy than before.
I am not my panic disorder. I am not anxiety.
I am a human who has anxiety and panic disorder and I will not let it control my life. It’s good to be back 🙌🏻 (In case you’re wondering, I have blogged quite a few times about mental health and why I find it so important to talk about it. You can read them on ellyrosebeauty.com 💕) #mentalhealth#anxiety#panicdisorder#mentalhealthawareness#timetotalk#CBT
0 12 minutes ago
Ich versuche seit drei Tagen.
Vergeblich etwas zu schreiben. In Worte zu fassen.
Ich fühle nichts. Außer die Schmerzen in meinem Arm. Mein Kopf. Ist leergefegt. Ich habe. Keine Kontrolle mehr. Und keine Kraft. Dagegen anzukämpfen. Therapie hab ich abgesagt. Obwohl ich sie doch. So dringend gebraucht hätte. Doch ich bekomme. Kein Wort heraus. Taten sprechen. Für sich. Denn ich kann es nicht.
Ich bin. Klassenbester in Deutsch. Als mein Lehrer. Mich so lobte. Für meine Interpretation. Habe ich fast geweint. Ich zitterte doch. Niemand freute sich mit mir. Ich hab sie alle. In die Tasche gesteckt. Und deshalb sind sie sauer. Nicht auf mich. Sondern auf sich selbst. Doch sie gönnen mir. Mein Glück nicht. Nur einer. Fand es gut. Und er. Redet kaum mit mir. Weil er schüchtern ist. Dabei. Ist er so interessant. Und selbstlos. Ich wäre gerne. Sein Freund. Und sei es nur. Für einen Bruchteil. Von unserer Zeit. Die wir miteinander teilen. Ich will mich nicht. Verkriechen. Aber ich muss. Denn keiner will. Von meinem Erfolg hören. Ich glaube. Sie hassen mich.
I’ve been having a good old reflect today. A lot of people struggle with mental health and pressure around this time of year and I’m no exception! Feel free to check out my musings ❄️✨
Blog link in profile 💜
1 12 minutes ago
My name is (be)Mac(fit) and I’m healthy lifestyle coach, and former “personal trainer,” here on a mthrfckin mission👇🏼
While training is what lights my heart up, I found that there was so much more to fitness than just that one hour in the gym.
The whole experience, and evolution, of both client and coach, reside within the other 23 hours of the day.
👉🏼The other 23 hours of the day were life happens. The other 23 hours of the day where growth, #love, happiness, trauma, heart ache, and a real #results transpire.
// I realized that I didn’t want to just be a “trainer.” The workout would only get that human so far.
I knew that there was more to life than just building aesthetics, working like cattle for a corporate gym, and taking bogus measurements.
I wanted to be a #coach ⚔️
👉🏼The person I wish I had when things were at their worst. Having battled ⚡️dementors & stood toe to toe with my demons via nutrition/fitness/mindset/lifestyle — I knew that this process had more to offer humans still battling the beasts of toxic relationships, traumas, and #mentalhealth.
In the last year I’ve taken this concept of The Other 23, entirely online.
With my degree in digital and mass media communications, I took to @instagram to bring #humanity back to #fitspo festering social media
It’s my personal belief that social media is the most anthropologically advanced piece of technology we have yet to discover as a species👇🏼
The most essential #human need for survival is connection.
More than sustancence, is socialization. Having a tribe — even if it is just one other person — that believes in you that shares love with you, communicates with you, and moreover, connects with you as on an authentic human level.🖤
⚔️ It’s my mission, to share love, inspire, educate, and dedicate myself to sharing this message of authentic human evolution.
As a coach, I believe in building humans from the inside out. It is my mission to be there for you — in those 23 hours — no holds bar.👇🏼
As your friend/mentor/coach via fitness, nutrition, lifestyle, and mindset. ‘Cause ya reaaaally can’t have one without the other.
“I used to say I love to stay alone
Now the lights are never bright when I get home
A soul cannot be whole if only rogue
Can a vagrant body be celestial?”
These are words from “Man On The Moon” - my favourite Moses Sumney’s song - they’re perfect to describe what I’ve been through in the last couple of years.
2018 has been to me a slow yet comforting dawn after the darkest night. But the light didn’t just come to me naturally, I had to walk towards it. •
I’m thankful that there was a part or me that was brave enough to pick the rest of myself up and face the darkness, and brave enough to reach out for help.
I wanted a stranger to hear my story. I found one and I went to see him 16 times, to tell him my whole life and to see if he knew why I wasn't feeling so attached to it anymore.
Turned out he knew, but the answer wasn't pleasant. Although the only way out was accepting that answer, taking a few thousand steps back and clean up the mess.
I wanna thank that stranger for helping me *see*. I wanna thank my loved one for the patience and infinite Love. I wanna thank you all for the support and kind words. I wanna thank Art for being my saviour. And I wanna thank myself as well for being brave, because why not.
I’m gonna take a break from instagram for a bit. I’ll be out of here for at least a month. I have work to do and light to chase. ✨
See you soon 🧡 Fil.
firstly, in case you haven’t tried sourmilk with crushed crisp breads you really should. my mom grew up eating this a lot and i can’t believe i hadn’t had it until recently!
this of course was only a part of my breakfast this morning and i’m probably having the same thing tomorrow as well because well, like i said, it’s delicious
now there are only one and a half days of school left and tomorrow i’m likely going to hold my speech in sweden class🙈 i’m nervous about that and exhausted after one whole semester (although i only went to school about half time)
anyways, i’m getting to the point...
my sister brags a lot about getting As and Bs nearly everyday now and i’m happy for her... but it’s also making me feel like crap
it’s not her fault, it’s far from her fault
she is entitled to bragging and being however proud she wants
but it hurts to hear about everyone else’s successes in school all the time when i myself will barely pass half of my classes
and what am i supposed to brag about at the dinner table?
“oh hey i haven’t done *disordered act* in so long”
“mom today i ate in the canteen in school and i drank milk and ate twice as much as *name of friend*”
i know that if i did these things i should be proud... but no one would understand them and no one would look at them the same way they look at getting amazing grades
you feel this way too, don’t you?
i suppose many of you do because mental illnesses do often cause these thought patterns
we’re trying to fight it... it’s hard... it’s so hard
but in the end we can get there
and i fucking swear, they ARE proud of us
1 73 minutes ago
The joy it brings them to GIVE is a wonderful lesson to teach. Allow your children to make or help pick out gifts for others😍
1 03 minutes ago
The person I was in this person was by far not who I am today. .
This person was... •Struggling Daily •Questioning if I was good enough or fit for this life God had given me •Battling demons alone because talking about your problems is frowned upon •Questioning if I’m a good enough mother for my child. .
The person in this picture was in the middle of a huge lesson from the man upstairs! .
She started looking and paying attention to her struggles, her demons and her thoughts and started to learn from them. .
✨ Today, I’m struggling less and I’m in a much better place than I was a few months ago. .
✨ Today, I’m more open about my struggles, My feelings and My emotions because NO ONE should suffer in silence and if my voice can help just ONE person, than I have done my job! .
✨ Today, I no longer question my life, I no longer question if I’m fit enough for this life or if I’m a good mother, wife or friend because I know I AM. .
✨ Today, I’m thankful for every lesson thrown my way this year because without them, I would not be who I am, or the mother or wife I am. .
2018 has kicked me down, drug me through the dirt time and time again, but I refuse to give up. 2019 is going to be a year of success, a year of a lot of love, giving, being bold, a year filled with abundance.
2 14 minutes ago
Interview in dutch🇳🇱
Full interview on youtube💜
Only a few days until the 21st of December... A day that changed my life in unthinkable ways 6 years ago.
6 years later, when I look back at the day of my psychosis, or my first big ego-death, I am fully grateful for it. I never expected that this dreadful day would provide me with so many tools and empathy to focus my attention on helping and healing people.
I suffered a lot from it, I still wear scars but learning how to heal my trauma holistically and creating a method through movemeant to help release this trauma of myself on a physical, mental and spiritual level is worth that sacrifice.
I got asked by @psychosenet to share my story and advice. Even today I get weekly messages on how much this single interview reached the hearts of many, inspired the ones in need and this video being used as learning the material on psychiatric educations and institutions throughout the country.
Today my days are filled with creating art with my dearest, gaining more knowledge, sharing and teaching my method with others and seeing them blossom in their full potential and unshackle themselves from their Amenti. (yeah you better research that line 😉) Thank you all for the support and feedback, it wasn't always a popular or easy choice to make.
But on 21-12-2018 (this Friday)
I will be releasing the first episode of Catharsis, a project of @stevenelbers and myself.
Giving next to words, an artistic sight on that experience, the very definition of Catharsis and hoping it will move people in the same way this interview did. "
Stay tuned 💜
I have stopped fight the “why.” All it does it give my anxiety more momentum, more power. I have stopped asking “why me?,” because it’s a question that I know I will never get an answer to. I have stopped asking “why can’t I feel normal?,” because truthfully I don’t even know what normal is. I have stopped questioning “why can’t I just be, just live and feel like I can breathe fully and deeply?,” because I know that in some strange way I was chosen to carry this load because I’m strong enough. I have stopped asking “why.”
I fought “why” with every ounce of strength I had for so long. I broke down and crumbled in small corners asking, screaming out loud “why am I going thru this!?” only to feel even more isolated than the moment before. The more I fought the worse I felt. The more I pushed the monster away the harder it came back at me. The more I told myself “I’m stuck and will never be free” the more of a prisoner I became.
I didn’t know peace until I opened the door to my anxiety and met it face to face. The day I decided to sit down with it, take it in, and partner with it the more I realized that I was just fighting myself, this new me. In order for me to feel any bit of internal freedom, or exhale just a little bit more, I had to welcome my anxiety in, give it the attention it craved, and send it packing when its stay was over. I had to come to terms with the fact that it will visit, unannounced, more often than I would like it to but that I would work with it and take it in every time. I finally saw that by fighting it I was only giving it more power, but by taking hold of it, embracing it as much as I can, the power over me decreased, the gears shifted and I had more control.
I have horrible days. I have moments of panic where I still feel the “why me” creeping in, but the difference now is that I refuse to stay stuck in that. I allow myself to feel the moment and then I take my power back.
This #transformationtuesday post is kind of a continuation from yesterday’s confidence post. I think posting about this and putting it out into the world will help me move on. I don’t want to keep my preweightloss/surgery body my own secret to deal with anymore. I need to put it out there to get it off my chest because it’s a burden I am so sick of carrying. This before photo was just before my lower body lift 1 year ago this week. At that point it was not fat, but just skin....5.5kgs (12lbs+) of skin to be exact. I had already had my chest and arm surgery. But if this was my skin left just from my abdomen you can probably imagine how my body looked before I actually the lost weight. This skin housed an extra 150kgs. This is what I’m mentally dealing with. 28 years of looking at this in the mirror. I went 10 years without seeing a doctor in case I had to take my clothes off. My friends and family didn’t even see me shirtless. There was nothing I was more ashamed of than my body. I need to work to stop thinking that way. Stop looking at my flaws and start looking at my strengths. Stop imagining what I COULD look like and love what I do look like. Stop putting things off “until x event” and start living my life now. I’m working on it. It’s time.